The Bugger files
by Exploded Pen
Summary: Bad language, revenge, its the private personal log of Malcolm Reed
1. YOU PIECE OF TECHNOLOGICAL SHITE!

~*~Disclaimer=me no own~*~Just another of my one chapter dealys, I have stories to complete I know (oh and btw thanks for letting me know about the dodgy third chapter in the soldier past, soldier present story, have changed it now-have no idea what happened except when I found out the air went blue-I was a liiittttttle annoyed! Stupid BEEPin' computer!)~*~  
  
"I came to the conclusion that in a previous life I really pissed off someone I shouldn't of and now I'm suffering!  
  
For instance, Trip Tucker-he attracts trouble like a magnet, and is still smiling. God that smile, like Phlox he is far too happy all the time. Like when I had an iffy thigh after the Romulan mine incident, while I was screaming in pain he was still smiling. Bloody quack, isn't there something in the Hippocratic Oath against smothering patients with happiness?  
  
I like being quiet, peace and quiet is good. Oh course making things explode has its appeal as well. Not putting that down, it doesn't feel like I've had a good week unless another alien civilisation has tried to kill us after the prime culprits (Archer and Trip) did something to upset them.  
  
Hey! I'm not saying I haven't had the odd brush with...erm...alien species in my time but in all fairness the evidence points to the fact I was either with Trip or Archer at the time.  
  
How can I protect this crew when the crew seems to strive on thwarting my attempts and then running back with an "Oh be a dear Malcolm and destroyed that big nasty alien ship that's trying to kill me." Sometimes I wonder what they'd do if I didn't step in. That's a thought, maybe I should go on strike! Nah, wouldn't work, too many other armoury personnel to step in. Bugger.  
  
I wish I wasn't so controlled by rules and regulations; sometimes I dearly love to just punch Trip in the mouth after he's spent the past hour trying to get a rise out of me.  
  
There's that word, regulations. Bugger. I can't mentally force myself to break my rigid routines. That really sucks. Ah well, back to mentally thinking of ways to wreak havoc!  
  
I always wonder exactly why the members of the crew who seemed to get themselves into the most trouble, always have dazzling brilliant white smiles. I mean what're they expecting to do? Blind the aliens to death with ultra white smiles? One of these days I'll don black sunglasses or else risk permanent white spots dancing about in front of my eyes!  
  
My idea of a perfect day would be Archer and the rest of the crew actually paying attention to me when I suggest security, I'm not saying it for the good of my health y'know! Then chef would make good ole fashioned fish and chips complete with being cooked in unhealthy fats! With loads of salt and vinegar but not mushy peas, can't stand food that looks like it's already been regurgitated.  
  
Then, we'd find a nice abandoned moon somewhere that I could have target practice on with the coolest weapons known to man.  
  
Now returning back to reality! I know I have as much chance of that happening as I do of Hoshi Sato turning up at my door in extremely revealing lingerie with a bowl of pineapple flavoured ice-cream saying "Who cares about frat regulations, I want you now!" Ahem, erm, yeah, erm, where was I? Oh who cares?!?.  
  
Computer stop recording."  
  
Malcolm sat back a moment his elbow knocked his coffee cup and as he dived to grab it he knocked the keypad. When he looked back at the screen he got the shock of his life.  
  
'Your message was successfully sent to:  
  
Captain J. Archer  
  
Sub-Commander T'Pol  
  
Commander C. Tucker  
  
Ensign H. Sato  
  
Ensign T. Mayweather  
  
Doctor Phlox  
  
(Insert rest of crew names here) Etc etc'  
  
"SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS!" Malcolm exclaimed horrified. "YOU STUPID FUCKIN' JACKASS! NOOOOOOO! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE GOD DAMN YOU DELETE! SHIT! MERDE! YOU MOTHER FUCKING PIECE OF TECHNOLOGICAL SHITE! WHY? WHY MUST EVERYTHING I DO GO SO BLOODY CRAP? WHY ME? WHY ALWAYS MAKE ME SUFFER? I AM ROYALLY SCREWED!"  
  
He sat back and took a deep breath, his hand shaking as he sipped his coffee.  
  
Staying in his quarters all day suddenly seemed an attractive option, heck staying in his quarters for the rest of his life suddenly seemed attractive or even being mugged by he-she aliens again was a preferable option.  
  
Malcolm quickly locked his door.  
  
He raised his eyes once more to stare at the monitor.  
  
"Message received from Ensign H. Sato" it beeped.  
  
"Oh bugger" he groaned.  
  
~*~Please review! It was just some sadistic little part of me that wanted Malcolm to get everything off his chest and then for everyone else to find out *sniggers* I'm just evil I know, but it's based on an actual experience with email which resulted in an even longer stream of profanities than that which I've listed here!~*~ 


	2. Your ass is mine!

~*~Disclaimer=me no own~*~Well, you all thought my sleep induced story about Malcolm's messaging problems was funny and you all seemed to want to know about what Hoshi said in response.....so here it is. Oh and before anybody says I doubt Hoshi would say that blah blah blah, think about it this way: even if Hoshi was (incredibly) insubordinate Malcolm's not going to be likely to say anything because well-he's the one in the wrong in the first place and if all goes well, the guilt trip should be setting in nicely. I'm crazy. Totally off my rocker insane. I'm gonna stop talking now!~*~  
  
Malcolm stared at the screen again miserably.  
  
He finally opened up the message:  
  
Limey Bastard-Your ass is mine, I'm coming for you. I'd run- Sato  
  
"Bollocks" he said resignedly "Guess the shit has hit the fan now."  
  
He suddenly felt glued to his chair, feeling strongly reminded of the saying:  
  
'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'  
  
"Especially a woman humiliated in front of the entire crew" he mused. "Captain Archer'll kill me, mind you he might have to dig me up first 'cause once Hoshi finished with me I might be in tiny unrecognisable pieces."  
  
He stared at the screen again.  
  
He heard the beep as someone tried to enter his quarters.  
  
"Bugger."  
  
"MALCOLM YOU SONOFABITCH OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR RIGHT NOW!"  
  
"No!" Malcolm yelled back  
  
"GET YOUR COWARDLY ASS OUT HERE NOW! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS LIMEY!"  
  
Malcolm calmly locked himself in his bathroom.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Two weeks later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Lt Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files:  
  
In all honesty, I'm lucky to have survived this past week!  
  
I made it through with only five ruined uniforms, a black eye and a broken toe!  
  
My pride is in tatters and I think that nothing will embarrass me anymore.  
  
The crewmen are laughing at me behind my back and wearing sunglasses. Trip punched me; Captain Archer proceeded to offer me his toothpaste for that 'ultra-white smile you seem to love so much!' Hoshi broke into my quarters, stole all my underwear and littered it round the ship. Archer was not amused when Porthos appeared wearing a pair of my skivvies.  
  
T'Pol informed me that I can say what I want in my own head but sending it to the entire crew had not been the best idea. Well congratulations Captain Obvious! I never realised I shouldn't have done that!  
  
Hoshi went into the kitchen and with chefs help made some god awful concoction that she then proceeded to pour over my head. (Ruined uniform number one)  
  
Trip called a truce then asked me to help him move some 'empty' barrels, me like the bloody fool I am was so relieved I helped him. Seconds later I'm head to toe in neon pink powder. (Ruined uniform number two)  
  
I'm assuming the next ruined uniform (number three) was courtesy of Hoshi, someone cut a large hole where my arse would be. I wondered why everyone was pointing and laughing then scarpered back to my quarters.  
  
Laundry sent back two of my uniforms an interesting shade of green. (Ruined uniforms four and five)  
  
There's no point in complaining, I brought this all on myself.  
  
Oh the broken toe was actually my fault, I fell down a shaft. But it was with some sadistic satisfaction that Phlox treated me. Evil bastard.  
  
The Captain finally called a truce something along the lines of 'he's suffered enough.' Then the kind man gave me a day off. Whoop-de-doo. How fantastic.  
  
Still, if they think I'm gonna take this lying down they've got another thing coming.  
  
After all, I have access to all their quarters.  
  
Their asses are mine!  
  
~*~You all wanted to know what Hoshi wrote. So, I wrote another chapter. It's done now however, it's up to your imaginations to fill in how Malcolm wreaks his revenge! Please review!~*~ 


	3. The Perfect crimes

~*~Disclaimer=Me no own~*~ You all wanted to see how Malcolm got his revenge! I said I'd finished it but what the fanfic people want they get, even though this idea was sparked off by what TLI's review said. I quite enjoy writing this, I think it's funny anyway~*~  
  
Lt Malcolm Reed-The Bugger Files:  
  
"I kick ass!  
  
They can't pin anything on me! They have no proof! Plus if they complain guess who has to look into it? That's right! ME! Plus it got the crew thinking intelligently.  
  
Want to know what I did? I am so locking this file away under a different password after I've told, can't have my dirty laundry aired in public!  
  
Well first on the agenda was Archer, naturally with him being the Captain I couldn't do anything too evil but he sleeps quite soundly so he never noticed when I beamed him directly to T'Pol's quarters in the middle of the night. You see there was a mini get-together-and-get-rat-arsed session last night. Oh how I wish I'd been there to see his and T'Pol's face this morning. Naturally of course I completely erased the transporter logs, there was always the slight possibility I could've lost him during transport but I didn't so no need to worry!  
  
Trip was so simple; I can't believe it worked so brilliantly. I managed to easily hack some of his logs and with a bit of cut and paste involving wording and pictures I created the perfect payback document to send to the other crewmembers-naturally from his quarters. Ha! Plus he has an interesting pair of boxers with pink hearts on them-got slightly worried about his mental state but I was ingenious! Using a wooden pole and a black marker I made an interesting flag pole and flag for use in the mess hall.  
  
Hoshi, now only the best was good enough for Hoshi. After a bit of searching I found the perfect blackmail material-lets just say that after a little chat with her, she was in an agreeable mood. I now have a personal slave for a while.  
  
T'Pol, ah T'Pol, Lets just say that Porthos was wearing some quite interesting underwear the next day.  
  
I couldn't resist, I had to say: 'Airing your dirty laundry Captain?'  
  
If looks could kill!  
  
They all know it's me, but they can't prove it. The perfect crime.  
  
Sometimes I even surprise myself with my brilliance.  
  
I started off a Chinese whisper for Phlox. It was so easy, so bloody simple!  
  
They'll think twice before crossing me again.  
  
Whoever said Revenge is Sweet was thinking of my situation when they said it!  
  
As someone very wise once said:  
  
'It's always the quiet ones.'  
  
~*~Right! Now it really is done and dusted, unless anybody fancies a whole series of the bugger files? Hmm, just a thought. Please review! 


	4. Pink Fluffy Pant Fettish?

~*~Disclaimer=Me no own~*~ I must admit I have fun writing this fic n it'll probably end up being one that just keeps on going until either I or all you lot get bored! Big grins all round!~*~  
  
Lt Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files:  
  
Apparently T'Pol is 'concerned' about my ever increasing paranoia since I played all those pranks on people-Damn right I'm paranoid!  
  
The perfect crimes, only not so perfect when everybody in the universe knows it's you but can't prove it so instead they watch you like a hawk and give you the evils everytime something goes wrong.  
  
I will never see Phlox in the same light however; had an extremely scary conversation with him involving the theft of some pink (!) fluffy (!) underwear from somewhere or other and then he asked me if I had seen them. BLOODY HELL! What on earth would I want with his underwear????????? I have enough traumas to run up a fairly heft psychiatrists bill, I don't need anymore!  
  
Trip kindly asked me if I was checking for explosives after he brought me food in the mess hall. Sarky bastard. Didn't put it past him though, when he wasn't looking I had a quick poke around to see if I could find anything in it.  
  
I didn't poke round enough however and began wondering about why it had such an odd taste-you guessed it laxatives. So I've spent the past four hours with the shits with stupid fucking ensigns communicating with me every five fucking minutes asking stupid fucking questions! Honestly, if it wasn't for me the armoury'd go to the dogs!  
  
So I've had a lovely rosy day today, as you can tell. I don't even think I deserved that one, eventually however once my bowel movements had subsided a little I crawled into sickbay to see Phlox, he was treating another crewmember at the time and asked me in a jovial voice: "Have you found my underwear yet?"  
  
OH GGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
The shame, the humiliation, THE CREEPY ALIEN BASTARD!  
  
Gave the crewmember one of my: 'if-you-say-a-word-I'll-kick-your-arse-from- here-to-next-week' looks. It worked-damn I'm good!  
  
Hoshi isn't speaking to me. Blackmail has adverse affects.  
  
No aliens however, no problems involving the dazzling white smiley ones. I'm bored now. I daren't leave my quarters in case I ain't near enough to a bog. Joyful mental image springs to mind I'm sure.  
  
I am Chief Armoury Officer on board Earths first starship of its kind. I am not afraid of laxative food spiking officers, or creepy, insane medical officer with a pink pant fettish.  
  
Ok maybe I am just a little afraid.  
  
Only a bit though.  
  
~*~Please Review! Oh, little question here: what are 'Bangs?' some sort of explosive across someones hairline? And if it means a fringe then why on earth call a fringe, bangs?~*~ 


	5. Malyum n Trip shoo pissed!

~*~Disclaimer=me no own!~*~ Well, thought I'd send a bit of festive cheer Malcolm's way, yes he made up with everyone-isn't Christmas just fantastic? Don't worry-I'm enjoying the story too much to just let it end here! Hmm......the songs. Well they do exist-if you know anybody in the RAF chances are they will have heard some of these at some point. 'Walking round in women's underwear' is to the tune of winter wonderland-but it's erm....very offensive probably and only funny if you're pissed, on second thoughts might not include that one! Yeah so erm....yeah....erm....Merry Christmas n all that!~*~  
  
Lt Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files:  
  
It's the Christmas party tonight. I don't want to go. I'm sure a lot of people don't want me to go. I did actually get some small presents for some people and bunged them under the tree in the Mess Hall.  
  
Look! I am not ready to become the Scrooge of Enterprise yet ya know! Even with all the pranks we played on each other!  
  
Back to the party, here's my plan: get as drunk as possible (maybe so drunk I'm practically comatose I don't know yet) then get taken back to my quarters. Sounds like a brilliant plan to me.  
  
Maybe not so brilliant.  
  
I get 'very merry' when I'm drunk.  
  
The Head of Security should not be seen 'very merry'.  
  
Damn.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Loads of beer, presents and loud rude songs later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Lt Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files:  
  
Malcolm: Wash brillian' paryee! Worra lorra nicesh people!  
  
I gotsh Trip 'ere.  
  
*mad laughter*  
  
Yoo know wo' yoo are Trip?  
  
Trip: WorramI Malyum?  
  
Malcolm: Yoo are my bestesh mate in the whole of...erm......dunno.  
  
Trip: The world?  
  
Malcolm: Yeah!  
  
Trip: Yoo ish my besh friend too Malyum.  
  
Malcolm: Aww!  
  
Trip: Part from Jon o' course.  
  
Malcolm: Closesh enuff Trip.  
  
Trip: Yup!  
  
*More crazed laughter*  
  
Trip: Ya know wot Malyum?  
  
Malcolm: Wot Trip?  
  
Trip: Ya shit-faced!  
  
Malcolm: I ain't shit-faced! I'm pisshed ya fool! Yoo ish shit-faced!  
  
Trip: Hey Malyum?  
  
Malcolm: Yeah?  
  
Trip: We forgotsh our pressies!  
  
Malcolm: Nooo! We didn' we forgot 'em!  
  
Trip: It wo' really funny when ya started shingin' those songs.  
  
Malcolm: Which one? Good King Wencesslass?  
  
Trip: Erm....yup!  
  
Malcolm: Jush for yoo Trip I shing it again.  
  
Good King Wencesslass last looked out  
  
On the feash of Steven!  
  
Silly bugger he fell down  
  
On a red hot cinder!  
  
Brightly shone his arse that night!  
  
And his wife was cru-el,  
  
She poked his bottom with a stick,  
  
Laughing like a foo-el!  
  
Trip: That wo' the one, the look on T'Polsh face! I though' her eyebrow wo' gonna fall off!  
  
Malcolm: No, that wo' Walking round in womens underwear!  
  
Trip: Yoo walk around in womens underwear?  
  
*Silence*  
  
Malcolm: No.  
  
Trip: Malyum, seeing ash it's the season o' goodwill n all that crap how 'bout we make up?  
  
Malcolm: Huh?  
  
Trip: Right. I'm sorry for punching ya.  
  
Malcolm: I'm sorry for stringing up your dodgy boxers up like a flag pole.  
  
*laughs*  
  
Trip: I'm sorry for getting' the powder on ya uniform.  
  
Malcolm: Sorry for hackin' yoo're personal loggy thing n sending stuff to people.  
  
Trip: Um....sorry for um stuff I can' remember at the moment.  
  
Malcolm: Um yeah. Waahey! I'm thirshy now....  
  
Trip: Stupid Malyum.....see yoo tomorrow!  
  
Malcolm: It'sh already tomorrow!!  
  
*Hysterical laughter*  
  
Trip hash gone now. Hoshi shoo pretty. Copped a kiss under mistletoe. Mmmm.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The morning after~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Lt Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files:  
  
Urgh.  
  
I need a bucketful of asprin.  
  
No. I need to puke.  
  
Urgh.  
  
Stupid Trip.  
  
Know he must have something to do with me waking up on the floor this morning.  
  
Need coffee.  
  
Coffee so strong it'll strip the skin from my stomach. ~*~Ok, you can flame me all you want but in my warped imagination this was very funny! Decided against using Walking around in womens underwear-save that for Christmas parties. Heh he heh. I'll be back after Christmas! ~*~ 


	6. A sound like a cow being disembowelled!

~*~Disclaimer=me no own~*~ Well, this chapter might have Trip fans poking me with pointy sticks, because well.....if you're a Malcolm fan you might find it funny but if you're a Trip fan look away now!~*~  
  
Lt Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files:  
  
Hahahahahahahha! Oh.....hahahahahahahahaha......sides...hahahahahahahahahahahaha......hurt! Too hahahahaha, much......laughing! Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahaha!  
  
Oh it was so funny!  
  
Hahahahahahahahahahaha!  
  
Routine away mission, we were collecting samples. We had split off into two groups. Me in charge of one, Trip in charge of the other.  
  
Everything was going fine until about half an hour in when there was this high pitched squeal like a cow being disembowelled or a mouse being raped or something.  
  
So me thinking one of the women is in trouble gathers my team together races over only to find Trip curled up in a ball on the floor, everybody else trying desperately not to laugh and the only thing you can get out of Trip are small whimpers.  
  
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha!  
  
Turns out one of the Ensigns got her sleeve caught on a piece of this wire (which I had told Trip at least six times that it had an electric charge running through it every five seconds, but did he listen? No!)  
  
So Trip steps over the wire and pulls down on the Ensigns sleeve. She gives one final pull the wire snaps up and catches Trip right in the nethers!  
  
Oh it was so funny! Not for Trip I'm sure but for everybody else it was absolutely hilarious!  
  
Poor Trip.  
  
Oh sod Trip! It was even funnier later on when we got him back and Phlox cheerfully announced:  
  
"Don't worry, I'll just apply my (um can't remember the name) sucker to it and it should heal quite nicely!"  
  
Trip nearly collapsed and gave me this pleading look. I savoured the moment and left to Phlox with a quiet:  
  
"Have fun, commander!"  
  
Ha!  
  
Did feel sorry for him though.......for all of three seconds!  
  
No, I should be a good friend-be there for him in his time of need, resist the urge to point and laugh when he comes into the room, resist the urge to spread the word.  
  
I can be a good friend later!  
  
No I can't, I'm Chief Armoury Officer. I have to behave. Must not laugh. See under perfect control now. Almost.  
  
Better not look at Trip for a while.  
  
Glad it wasn't me though. Mind you as if I'd ever do something as stupid as electrocute my......never mind.  
  
Maybe I should put up a warning sign-or taped a post-it to the wire that said:  
  
"Do not under any circumstances touch wire on pain of electrocution!"  
  
Maybe I should go take him his lunch, I hear he's not up to walking very far. I think chef made banana splits today.  
  
My turn to laugh.  
  
Mind you it was actually quite disturbing at high pitched Trip can actually get.  
  
Still, it was very funny.  
  
~*~Ok, believe it or not this is based on a true story-ah D of E you have provided me with so many memories! But the lad who touched it wasn't the brightest candle on the birthday cake bless him. "D'ya think that's electric fence?" "I dunno." "You touch it and see." Don't worry he was alright-he lived to touch another fence. I'm not joking here that actually happened! Please review!~*~ 


	7. I know! Maybe there's some paint I can w...

~*~Disclaimer=me no own~*~Hee hee hee, slightly insane and have worked out that I'm channelling all my loopyness into this story which just proves I'm losing it I suppose!~*~  
  
Lt Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files:  
  
Found a new alien planet, made contact. Aliens came aboard. Wasn't allowed to have the amount of security I wanted.  
  
Then people had the cheek to tell me to 'make nice'!! Make nice? When I am anything but polite? Make nice my arse! It's my job to be suspicious! Can't just go trusting every Tom, Dick and Harry I meet can I?  
  
Turns out I was right to be suspicious; you'll never guess what happened. No really going on guess.  
  
Oh Jesus, I'm talking to myself. Fan-bloody-tastic! Not only am I in pain I'm also clinically insane-isn't that just marvellous?  
  
Well, the aliens (surprise, Surprise) turned out to be fairly homicidal with an added streak of sadism to top it off. I went down to the planet, with Archer, T'Pol and various other people. All of a sudden we're surrounded by big guns. I valiantly fire many shots; to save everyone yadda yadda yadda I get shot. Down on the ground I'm doing my whole: "Save yourselves!" bit. So they do, the fucking bastards bugger off and leave me!  
  
I didn't mean it! I'm not that insane!  
  
So anyway about two hours later, when I'm not quite with it because of pain and blood loss they dive in a save the day! Hurray!  
  
Was quite proud of how my team performed really-must remember to commend them when I can stand up.  
  
Actually, didn't quite mind being so well....abandoned, when Hoshi came to see if I was ok. Of course didn't quite manage any structure sentences only managed to get out: aha, mmm, hmm, err, erm, um, mhm. So mini dilemma over how I will actually manage to look her in the face again.  
  
Injury wise-it could've been worse-I could've died, so on the plus side all I need was some pints (!!) of blood. Got shot in the chest and in the leg so I'm not quite able to move without the help of crutches.  
  
Predictably Phlox put me on sick leave-the bastard. What the hell am I supposed to do for three weeks?  
  
Well, I guess it's just me and you brain.  
  
Bugger. I wonder how many cracks there are in the ceiling. Look! A sock out of place-must remember to tidy that up.  
  
I know! Maybe there's some paint I can watch dry!  
  
Damn, I need a life.  
  
~*~OK, think of this as crazy Malcolm hyped up on pain medication speaking- because we all know that people go slightly wappy on pain meds.......*ignores blank stares* For the purpose of this it does alright? Review!!!!!!!!!~*~ 


	8. You can stick that where the sun don't s...

~*~Disclaimer=me no own~*~Ok, couldn't be bothered to wait ages before putting up the next chapter because I'm bored and this kinda suits my mood! Thanks for the reviews!!!!!!!!~*~  
  
Lt Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files:  
  
I am bored.  
  
I am so sodding bored I might actually colour-code my wardrobe.  
  
That's not a bad idea actually.........no, save that for later.  
  
It wouldn't be so bad, Trip is on sick leave too due to the electric wire incident, but he's not talking to me.  
  
I don't know why.  
  
All I did was laugh at him and leave him with Phlox.  
  
He would've done the same thing.  
  
Yeah. Definitely.  
  
I reckon being bored is a fine art, not many people can be as bored as me and be good at it.  
  
Maybe I should talk to Trip.  
  
No, I have a better idea.............  
  
No wait I don't.  
  
Damn!  
  
I went to the mess hall earlier; I was actually just in casual stuff. There's a horrible feeling of being completely on the outside when everyone looks the same but you look different.  
  
Had a lot of people coming up to me and saying they hoped I felt better soon. Mostly women come to think of it.  
  
I was beginning to think that maybe hobbling about on crutches and wheezing like an old man wasn't so bad when people started offering to do stuff for me. All very embarrassing of course. Looked like a tomato with brown hair by the time they left me alone.  
  
Then Hoshi appeared and sat down beside me.  
  
I naturally was startled, so I accidentally slammed my fist down on the table which unfortunately hit the spoon which was unfortunately in a bowl of soup at the time which then pinged at sixty miles and hour towards Trip who had come up behind me and coated him in a thick layer of tomato soup.  
  
Needless to say-the shit hit the fan.  
  
So Trip left the room and Hoshi burst out laughing.  
  
Still couldn't say anything except a few vowel sounds.  
  
Stupid Trip. Stupid Soup. Stupid Fucking aliens.  
  
Also had a check-up with Phlox today.  
  
I swear he enjoys putting people in severe pain-he wanted to put some slimy slug thing in the 'hole' in my chest and leg.  
  
I told him he could stick it where the sun don't shine.  
  
His response: "That's where it needs to go."  
  
OH SHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!  
  
It was a case of: FUCK OFF YOU CREEPY ALIEN PERVERTED SADISTIC BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
The rest of the day was spent with me:  
  
Cleaning bog.  
  
Picking fuzz off my blanket.  
  
Reading through Armoury reports  
  
Re-reading Armoury reports  
  
Re-reading the Armoury reports again.  
  
Tidying quarters.  
  
Reading a book.  
  
Throwing book away in disgust after realising I solved the mystery before the detective in the story did.  
  
On Tomorrows agenda is:  
  
Do absolutely sod all.  
  
Fan-bloody-tastic.  
  
~*~Please review!~*~ 


	9. Tough conversations

Disclaimer=me no own~*~ Well, this is written purely for my own amusement, but reviews would be nice  
  


* * *

  
Lt Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files:  
  
Still bored.  
  
Might go make up with Trip, apologise for laughing, leaving him with Phlox etc etc.  
  


* * *

  
Trip and I are mates again, we laughed about how bored we both are then hacked into the movie file and watched all the James Bond movies-Trip was interested in the gadgets I loved the explosions and the plot lines. We both found the Bond girls highly attractive too.  
  
About half way through the door burst open and Hoshi and Archer were stood there looking like they'd just run a marathon then mumbled some lame excuse about it being dinner time.  
  
But I know better, they thought me and Trip were going to kill each other.  
  
They were right too, but never underestimate the power of a James Bond movie.  
  
I did not just say that.  
  
Anyway, in the mess hall everybody was being very nice to me again and I was in a brilliant mood till Phlox came over and told me he needed to see me in sickbay.  
  
Resisted the urge to tell him to fuck off after all he's only doing his job.  
  
I wish he'd have to common decency to not look like Christmas has come early though when somebody turns up bleeding half to death or has grown an extra arm or something.  
  
Still Phlox poked and prodded me for a bit before announcing that I'm healing nicely but I still need to hobble around on crutches and to stop walking around so much because I'm a bit wheezy.  
  
So now Trip and I are friends again I'm not so bored.  
  
But I still colour-coded my wardrobe.  
  
I'm so sad.  
  
*Sound of door chime*  
  
Malcolm: Hoshi, what, erm, can I do for you?  
  
Hoshi: Is this a bad time? Were you about to go to bed or something?  
  
Malcolm: No it's alright  
  
Hoshi: Oh never mind it can wait  
  
Malcolm: You sure?  
  
Hoshi: Bye Malcolm.  
  
Malcolm: Bye Hoshi.  
  
*door closing*  
  
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  


* * *

  
Note to self never open door when you're in pyjamas.  
  
She, Hoshi Sato comes to your door and you act as if you have the emotional range of a teaspoon.  
  
You stupid wazzock!  
  
Still, at least my quarters were fairly tidy.  
  
But I looked like I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards.  
  
Oh bugger.  
  
~*~Well, normal is a state of mind I prefer to avoid so just review and humour me, lol~*~ 


	10. movie horrors

~*~Disclaimer=me no own~*~Aww thanks for the reviews!!! Love ya to bits! Lol ~*~  
  
LT Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files:  
  
First the good news:  
  
ALL HEALED!!! HURRAH!!! No more bloody visits to Phlox!  
  
Now the bad news:  
  
Asked Hoshi to movie night and I use ask in its loosest term because it came out as:  
  
"Wannagomovwivme?"  
  
Thank god that gorgeous woman is a linguist she took a moment to translate it then nodded and said yes.  
  
Alright it was so far so good.  
  
Nearly had a nervous breakdown over what to wear, should I take her something etc etc.  
  
Eventually got dressed went to pick her up and went to movie night-ok everything was going to plan so far.  
  
Operation Don't-make-a-bloody-prat-of-myself was going smoothly.  
  
Then I suddenly realised I hadn't bothered to check which film was showing.  
  
It was Calendar Girls. Have you ever seen Calendar Girls?  
  
No of course not you're a computer!  
  
Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.  
  
Shut the fuck up.  
  
Maddie forced me to watch it with her when we were younger.  
  
My mother was in the W.I and all I could see while I was watching it was my mother.  
  
Urgh the mental images....................not nice.  
  
So naturally I was feeling uncomfortable and thanking God I could shut my eyes and not watch the nude parts when Hoshi leans against me.  
  
Horrible dilemma over what to do next, put my arm round her and wished it didn't feel so much like a piece of wood.  
  
When it was finally over I walked her back to her quarters.  
  
"It's a good idea you know," she comments suddenly.  
  
"What?" I ask like a fool-goofy grin an all.  
  
"Doing a nude calendar to raise awareness."  
  
I remained silent.  
  
"Enterprise should do a calendar like that," she pondered.  
  
I tried to control myself as a mental image of Hoshi and T'Pol popped into my head before being replaced by one of Phlox.  
  
"Even Phlox?" I asked trying to keep myself in check.  
  
"Perhaps not...................."  
  
So anyway we got to her quarters and said goodnight.  
  
Not before she asked me:  
  
"You'd do it though wouldn't you Malcolm?"  
  
Then it was a whole life flashed before my eyes scenario. I scarped but I think in my utter shock I might've said yes.  
  
Fuck fuck fucketty fucking bollocks shit bugger damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
I should have  
  
STUPID FUCKING BASTARD tattooed on my forehead.  
  
Still she has to get permission from Archer and he won't agree...............................................................will he?  
  
I don't want to get my wedding tackle out for the world to see! I don't want the world to see me! Not if I'm stood next to Trip or Travis! I'll look like the little English ponce from wankerville if I'm next to them!!!!!!!!!!  
  
I am so screwed.  
  
Bugger.  
  
~*~Ya know what to do! Press the lil purple button and review!~*~ 


	11. The horrible realisation that hes doomed...

~*~Disclaimer=me no own~*~lol, thanks for all the reviews! Hee hee hee I thought the last chapter was funny too! But anyway going against all laws of what would really happen roll on the next chapter!~*~  
  
Lt Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files:  
  
I had a brilliant day.  
  
Lovely.  
  
Everything is great.  
  
Fan-fucking-tastic.  
  
Feel like shooting myself.  
  
And Archer.  
  
And Trip.  
  
And Travis.  
  
And Hoshi, no not Hoshi, I could never shoot Hoshi.  
  
Damn her! She so cunning! One look into those bloody beautiful eyes of hers and you're hooked. How can a man fight that combination? Looks and intelligence!! IT'S NOT FAIR!  
  
Alright here's what I need to do-Things I need to do tomorrow:  
  
Shove Archer out the nearest airlock  
  
Have plastic surgery so no one knows who I am  
  
Flee for new life on distant planet  
  
Well, as you might've guessed oh dear computer Archer agreed. HE FUCKING AGREED TO THE DEATH OF MY DIGNITY AND AND AND AND MY SELF RESPECT!!!!! Said it would be good for crew morale.  
  
Who gives a flying fuck about crew morale? What about MY morale?!?!?  
  
Hoshi is holding me to what I said, she told me I can't back out without a good reason saying it would all be tastefully done in the armoury. I couldn't tell her the only reason I said yes was because I was trying not to screw up and say something horribly wrong!  
  
Archer looked slightly uncomfortable when Hoshi left her meeting with him. She signed him up too.  
  
Afterwards I warned Trip, Trip didn't mind.  
  
The smug bastard thought it'd be fun.  
  
Travis wasn't that bothered either.  
  
Calmly resisted the urge to hit them for not taking my side. Perhaps if we're lucky we'll meet a new alien civilisation who hate us so I can get shot.  
  
There is no way I'm getting my wedding tackle out to be photographed. 'Little Mal' is not making an appearance. No way. Not in this universe.  
  
I mean I'll look stupid!! Plus the thought of being stood naked in front of superior officers is enough to scare anyone. I'll look like the world's biggest wanker from wankerville!  
  
Plus I know for a fact that women would climb over burning coals to go out with Trip or Travis and throw me through the nearest airlock!  
  
I'm serious! I'm so serious I'm talking to myself! Maybe I should just take a shuttlepod and fly away!  
  
So anyway, the upshot of it is in two weeks unless by some miracle I can get out it Malcolm Reed is going to be revealed to the world in all his naked glory.  
  
I think I'm going to throw up. 


	12. Blue Banana

**000000 Disclaimer=me no own 00000000 Yay! Thanks for the reviews! I know it's taken me a long, long time to update and for that I'm very sorry-but I loved the reviews!! So thank you!! 00000000**  
  
**Lt Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files: Mental log:**  
  
I hate all aliens and they hate me.  
  
It's a mutual hatred.  
  
Now the only good thing about today is that being in the prison cell means I don't have to go through with the photoshoot. The bad news however, is that unless by some miracle Archer can convince these people I am actually an adult and not a child, they're going to lock me away for life-with no appeal no nothing.  
  
I can't believe they think I'm a child.  
  
Do I look like a _child_?  
  
I mean I know I'm not that tall but still!!  
  
I hate this planet. I hate these people and if that stupid kid comes over and hits me again I'm gonna deck 'im! Screw the whole be nice to children act! He's taller than me!  
  
At least the food's not bad. Well they gave us something that was moving, so I left that, but they gave us a banana.  
  
At least I think it was a banana.  
  
Well it looked like a banana and it tasted like a banana.  
  
But when Archer, Trip and Hoshi came to see me they all looked at me like I'd grown an extra head or something!  
  
I suggested a heroic rescue attempt and although Trip looked enthusiastic Archer told me they'd only speak to Trip for some odd reason. Which gave me much confidence as Trip couldn't talk his way out of a paper bag that had flashing red signs saying **"EXIT HERE!"** at the sides.  
  
Well, I don't mean that, the man can talk a hind leg off a donkey but somehow I don't install as much confidence in his diplomatic skills.  
  
Mind you, if the jurors are women one flash of that smile and they'll be putty in his hands. Swine.  
  
I think I'm allergic to something in here; my arms are itching like crazy!  
  
Could be that kid......................what in the name of arse is he doing?? Urgh. That's not natural.  
  
Great, I go to jail and they stick me in a cell with the planet dipshit. Joy.  
  
I swear, if my arms don't stop itching soon I'll be scratching bone!  
  
**HOLY FREAKIN' MOTHER OF ALL THINGS UNNATURAL!**  
  
Oh.Bugger.  
  
Just breathe, don't stop breathing, calmly grab the attention of the nearest guard and try and explain that –**YOU'VE TURNED BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**  
**SHITSHITSHITSHITBOLLOCKSDAMNFUCKSHITECRAPPOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!** !!!!!!  
  
Oh God! I'm gonna die in a jail cell with a complete nutter who's doing............odd things..................  
  
Malcolm get a grip!  
  
So you look like a smurf-big deal! At least you're not having your photo taken.  
  
Hmmmm, look like a smurf or be nude, smurf/nude, smurf/nude.  
  
Wow, doesn't life just get better and better!  
  
I need Phlox. Urgently. As in yesterday.  
  
That sounds so wrong...............  
  
**OH THANK GOD!!!**  
  
Archer and Hoshi have come back!!  
  
Try and restrain yourself, I know you want to go press yourself up against the bars and scream:  
  
**"SAVE ME YOU STUPID GOBSHITE OR I'LL DIE A SMURF!"**  
  
I know this because I'm the voice inside of your head and I'm telling you that Archer won't like being called a gobshite whether you're blue or not.  
  
YES! Progress! The guard is coming over!  
  
The guard is shrugging-how can he not notice I'm bright blue? Is he colourblind? Or is he just enjoying me scratching like mad and swearing and cursing randomly? Maybe he's just an arse.  
  
He's just an arse.  
  
Ok Malcolm, time for a heroic moment that will make them give you lots of sympathy and that whole:  
  
"I won't leave a man behind!" spiel  
  
It's working.................it's working...........................OY!  
  
The gits buggered off!  
  
Well that's the last fucking time I do anything for them!  
  
Next time I'll just stand there and make them grovel........................then I still won't save them.  
  
I cannot believe they've just walked away.  
  
The total arses!  
  
So now, I'm stuck in a jail cell, facing a lifetime imprisonment for God only knows what and I'm bright blue! Could this day get any better?  
  
Somebody up there hates me. A lot.  
  
**00000000 Ya know what to do! Please review! 0000000000000**


	13. Bury me face down so the world can kiss ...

**0000 Disclaimer= me no own 00000 Aww thanks for the reviews! CrashCart9- yeah pain meds make you do odd things............:D 0000000**  
  
**Lt Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files: Mental Log:**  
  
Somebody up there is screwing me over big time!  
  
Being locked away I can handle.  
  
Looking like a_ smurf_ I can handle..........................well almost.  
  
But being examined by an alien doctor who has never heard of pain medication and favours medical instruments of the sharp pointy kind, is a step too far!  
  
This morning I thought my biggest problem was that I was itching like a man possessed.  
  
Mind you, this morning I also thought the cell was made of stilton and that I could defeat the guard using mainly a blanket and a dirty sock. But that's not the point.  
  
The point is those evil scheming traitorous bastards returned to tell me the best medical care they could wrangle was the alien's doctor.  
  
Now I hurt.  
  
Fortunately they managed to get Phlox in when I started singing:  
  
_"I know a song that'll get on ya nerves"_  
  
Phlox had arrived by the time I'd moved onto _"I am Henry the Eighth I am"  
_  
Phlox being a sadistic, twisted, evil, heartless, cruel person, laughed quietly to himself. His one redeeming feature is that he does believe in pain medication.  
  
Oddly enough however being dosed up to the eyeballs leaves you prone to sick pranks from Dipshit cellmate.  
  
Then when I came out of it and started to be myself again, Dipshit cellmate got his arsed kicked.  
  
Dipshit cellmate is now half the alien he used to be.  
  
Dipshit is now curled up in a ball randomly calling me a 'henachterd' Hoshi assures me this means Chicken Shit.  
  
Intrigued I swiped her translator and used it to translate useful little sayings into alien tongues.  
  
For instance:  
  
_Fuck off_= Metanyei!  
  
_Screw you_= Fidkichsi!  
  
_Piss off_=Yankayei!  
  
_Arsehole_=Blupouslig  
  
_Bite me_=Hoiliega  
  
Are just a small selection of what I translated, that is until Hoshi returned guns blazing, swearing at me in at least ten different languages to take it back.  
  
But you know what brain of mine?  
  
I don't care.  
  
Life's a bastard and so I am, so fuck you world!  
  
On the disease front, I reckon I'm screwed. Bright blue, itchy and any pain relief Phlox gave me has now worn off, so now I'm scratching again and drawing blood which is now a very interesting shade of yellow.  
  
Well, it's either blood or pus.  
  
So I've made a decision about how I want to be buried when I die.  
  
I want to be buried **FUCKIN' FACE DOWN SO THE WHOLE OF THIS GODFORSAKEN ALIEN PLANET CAN KISS. MY. ARSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!**  
  
Of course such measures will be unnecessary if Trip miraculously manages to save me before I die of whatever alien disease has turned me blue.  
  
Ok, room spinning, Dipshit going against laws of nature, need to lie down. Medication has now fully worn off..............................  
  
Bugger.

**000Please review!!0000**


	14. Yellow ooze and insults

**0000 Disclaimer=me no own 0000 Thanks for the reviews!! Yeah, he was pretty out of it last chapter, but he's feeling more lucid in this one-I think 0000**

Lt Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files: Mental Log:

The devil has vomited in my kettle and pissed on all my strawberries.

I love the word pissed, it can mean so many things. Also variations of pissed are good to use too.

For instance pissy.

Here's it in a sentence:

Archer is a stupid pissy head with spaghetti for brains and caterpillars for eyebrows.

Still, at least he has the decency to look guilty everytime he sees me.

Mind you that could have something to do with the fact last time he came to see me I pretended to be sound asleep grunting in pain and feebly scratching every so often.

Although I did nearly destroy my arms scratching when I finally 'woke up' all that feeble scratching made it really itch, so then my arms were oozing that yellow stuff again.

Now I don't pretend to be any kind of doctor but I don't think the human body is supposed to ooze anything that colour. Not even pus looks that radioactive.

Can't actually stand up at the moment because my legs don't seem to want to move and neither does anything else. However when 'superior' officers aren't around I've taken to randomly throwing insults at the guard because Dip Shit is curled up in the fetal position and I'm mean but not that mean.

Anyway back to the guard. My plan is that:

a) Throwing insults will make me feel better Or!

b) The guard might get so angry he'll shoot me and Archer will decide to do a good old fashioned rescue attempt and tell the alien government to go fuck themselves Or!!

c) The aliens will think I'm mentally deranged and will set me free on an insanity plea.

Still I'm not sure the guard understands English, and judging from the state of dip shit in the corner there I'm guessing they don't do insanity pleas, otherwise that kid would've been with the men in white coats a loooong time ago.

But it does make me feel better.

Ha! Guard is now looking at me.

"Hey there's something huge and monstrous behind you!! Oh wait, that's just your arse."

Oh shit. He's coming over!

Damn and blast and bloody bollocks!!

Ow! Watch it you thick bastard! My skin is already oozing stuff!

Where's he taking me?

Bugger.

I could take him on. I could have him flat on his back in less than five seconds if I wanted to.

But you know it's good for first contact relations if I comply.

Hey! It's Captain Intelligence and Hoshi!

What? Where are you going you blind morons?!?! I'm over here!! Being dragged away!! No don't go that way! Turn AROUND!!

Oh bugger.

**0000 For some reason I'm not that impressed with this chapter so it might be subject to change depending on what you lot reckon 0000**


	15. On the day the word 'moron' was redefine...

**0000 Disclaimerme no own 000 Thanks for the reviews!! Erm, not much to say so on with the story!! 0000**

Lieutenant Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files:

Well they found me-eventually. Not until after the guard had beaten me to a bloody pulp naturally.

Still, it did get me out of jail. Not that I deserved to go through all this pain and suffering in the first place but that's just life. I'm like an ant beneath a kid's magnifying glass and he just keeps trying to set me on fire.

On the plus side before I passed out I had Hoshi bending over me looking all gorgeous and concerned, however my happy thoughts were quickly washed away when I came too with Phlox about a inch away from my face.

Which scared the b'Jesus outta me!

Now, I'm confined to sickbay and I'm still blue but at least I can't really see my skin anymore due to Phlox's expertly tight bandaging which while it's soaking up whatever that radioactive yellow looking stuff is it's also making my skin feel like its on fire.

But at least he hasn't used any creatures on me, which is always a HUGE plus.

The bad thing is Hoshi came to see me and I think all I managed to say was vowel sounds. I've really got to learn to control this not-being-able-to-speak-because-she's-so-damned-hot thing, I mean I've faced down aliens, shot things, been pinned to Enterprise's hull, nearly died of hypothermia while drunk, made it out of alien jails and survived everyone's practical jokes and revenge attacks, so really talking to her should be nothing compared to that.

Mind you, because I'm bitter, twisted and bright blue I'm guilt tripping Archer because he left me down on the planet so that 'diplomatic relations wouldn't suffer'

SCREW DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS!!!

I'm getting so pissed off with Archer's decisions: agreeing to that stupid calendar, letting me turn blue on that stupid fucking planet!

It just feels like I'm being punished! For something that I didn't deserve!! (Or at least I can't remember if I deserve it or not but that's not the point!)

Trip has been coming to see me quite a lot, bringing me my paperwork because there is no way in hell I'm leaving it till I'm back on duty. Mind you he also keeps trying to slip his own paperwork in. So one time I took it and very carefully wrote:

_Hello my name is Trip and today I'm going to learn how to write my own paperwork._

_Step one: Pick up a pad_

_Step two: Fill it in._

_Step three: Hand it in._

_Step four: Don't even bother giving it to your British friend because surely the Captain will question why you've spelt color, colour._

Still Trip laughed when he read it and we had a good old joke about it, which was good because laughing is better than sarcasm as Phlox so kindly pointed out sarcasm is a form of anger, I thought it was the lowest form of wit but you have to listen to the guy with a million qualifications don't you? Especially when he's waving round a lethal looking hypospray?

However after Trip left Hoshi appeared and asked if I was still ok to do the calendar after I got better.

I had an out right there! I could've said no and looked all injured and pathetic but I said yes.

And on the day the word 'moron' was redefined we all stood in awe and watched.

Bugger.


	16. The names Reed, Mal what?

**000 If I owned this lets just say I wouldn't be sat with a huge pile of coursework at my side 000 Thanks for all the reviews! I wrote this in between breakdowns of a coursework style nature and droolage over the latest series (and last sob!) of Enterprise 'cause I needed to project a certain level of loopyness into something. Hee hee, so read on and enjoy! 000**

Lt Malcolm Reed-The Bugger Files:

Due to having no life and nothing better to do I reviewed all my logs from the past year.

And wouldn't ya know, absolutely nothing has changed.

Except my skin is now a whole other shade altogether. Blue. Bright sodding blue.

If I was looking at the bright side I'd be thinking that at least if I ever get the sudden unavoidable urge to strip and run round the ship nude, (and if I get this desire I will lie down and wait for it to fuck off!) I'll at least blend in with everyone's uniforms.

Told Hoshi I couldn't do the calendar………

Ok I haven't exactly told her yet but I've been practising, listen:

Hoshi. I'm afraid I can't do the calendar because even though I'm on sick leave with -what you would think- plenty of time on my hands, I've got to rearrange my wardrobe in order of date of purchase.

It's either that or:

Hoshi, I would rather see Phlox in the nude and risk permanent mental damage rather than strip off for a calendar that has no purpose.

Maybe I should work on this a while longer.

Anyway, back to the round up of this year.

The dazzling white smiley ones still take every opportunity to get captured/tortured/shagged…………yes I went there. They seem to get a woman on every planet we go to and me?

Well lets put it this way, I have more physical contact with my phase pistol than I do with members of the female persuasion. Which, lets face it, is just pathetic.

I have made progress in saving the day though, I've worked out I've spent a higher percentage of my time on sick leave or in sickbay than I have blowing the shit out of something.

No progress has been made in the whole Hoshi situation, in fact I seem to have gone backwards.

I sure that most people aboard think I have the personality of a brick wall. However, now there's the added novelty value of me looking like a smurf.

I won't look like one for much longer though! Phlox has devised something that's returning me to my normal colour.

The only negative drawback of this is I've been having………frankly disturbing dreams.

They start off normally, me the latest 007, T'Pol as Miss Moneypenny, Hoshi as the Bond Girl, Travis as the unlikely enemy, Trip as Q and Phlox being the bad guy number two. Yeah that's normal. Trust me.

Then it just got weird, I went into the office expecting to see Judy Dench as M but instead I get Archer.

In a dress.

With heels.

And 'barely there' make-up.

In my dream I run fighting the urge to scream like a little girl and run straight into Trip. Who is inexplicably now James Bond.

And who is simply butchering the English language in ways I thought previously unattainable.

And who am I?

00-pissing-6.

I don't know how I managed to turn myself into a 6ft blonde haired Yorkshireman in Trip's eyes but I managed it.

At this point I got slightly alarmed as I remembered that 006 was killed by James Bond at the end of the film. But thankfully managed to wake up before Trip got down and dirty with Bond girl Hoshi.

So, the medication is screwing with my subconscious, which is, quite frankly fucked up enough already and the mental image of Archer in a dress was not a mental scar I would ever have wanted. Ever.

It's not fair, even my own brain is against me and how can I possibly win against such genius?

**0000 Review please! 0000 **


	17. Smurf Man always protects his own

**000 Disclaimer, I own nothing except my beloved Malcolm doll 000 Ok, here's an update people! Yayness! This updated was prompted by a request from HoVis who is about to do her SATs which no matter what teachers say are not the be-all and end-all of education, that's your GCSE's for which I should currently be revising for….but this is more fun :P Ok, so good luck in your SATs HoVis! Also thanks to everyone for their reviews! I feel loved! 000**

There are posters. All round the ship.

I knew something was wrong when I was wolf-whistled on my way to the Armoury-that sort of thing doesn't happen much unless the person in question is drunk and/or blind.

Then I saw it.

It was horrible. It was worse than horrible. It was like the going to school naked dream only realising you can't wake up and you aren't at school but on a ship full of adults in full possession of a piss-taking, sadistic streak.

There, on the wall in front of me was….well me. Bright blue and as naked as the day God made me, in my birthday suit with naught but a towel to protect my modesty-a towel on the verge of falling off. I also had a phase pistol for some odd reason; I think I was checking it over, although I'm not quite sure what I'm doing. I certainly don't remember it……I was distracted at the time...

But what was the caption I hear you cry?

'**THE SMURF MAN ALWAYS PROTECTS HIS OWN'**

I then found another right beside it that read:

'**PRAY FOR MERCY FROM MALCOLM…IN THE NUDE'**

I briefly contemplated suicide-or mass homicide to get rid of evidence and gossipers.

Unfortunately it goes against all my survival instincts to die and even Captain Archer would notice if half the crew died suddenly.

I swear to God I'm gonna kill them. I'm gonna wreak my revenge in so many ways they'll be on their hands and knees pleading for mercy. If they expect me to take this lying down they have another thing coming!

But how did this happen?

OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod

After the shower yesterday…that toy phase pistol…

Perhaps I'd better record the full story just in case I need to prove my motives for murder…

I had just taken a shower and I went to get a fresh uniform. I saw a phase pistol on the table, wondered why it was there. Realised it was a toy phase pistol. The door opened I swivelled round to face the intruder phase pistol raised (I'm not entirely sure why I did this-if it was a real intruder they would have probably noticed a distinct lack of unconsciousness if I ever tried to pull the trigger) There was a blinding flash and when I could finally see again there was no one there.

I now know some sadistic bastard took a photo of me, but at the time I merely thought I'd had some sort of drug induced hallucination (which is entirely possible as I have no idea exactly what medication Phlox has me on) Ok, I'll admit I didn't really get chance to think about it as someone from the armoury commed me to say the scanners had slid out of alignment and none of the other equipment was responding.

But the bastards. The evil, evil bastards!

How could they do this to me!

Have I ever done anything, _anything_ to give them reason to commit such a heinous crime!

No!

Right. First I'm gonna finish ripping down all those sodding posters, then I'm gonna find out who did it and flay them within an inch of their lives!

Or I could bide my time after discovering the culprits and how the mood takes me for revenge.

I have nothing to lose. I'm still blue and the entire ship has seen me in the buff. I can suffer no more humiliation…

**000 Please review! 000**


End file.
